Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People gives methods of
instruction and examples as to how to triumph in the social world. It includes
chapters on how to handle people, how to make people like you, how to win people
to your way of thinking, and how to be a leader. The book begins with a preface
of suggestions on how to get the most of the book. These include reviewing it
periodically and taking the suggestions with an open mind and sincerity. The
first chapter exposes the reader to the technique of how to handle people
successfully. It emphasizes that in order to understand people one must regard
the situation from their point of view. Most people have reasons for deciding
what they do. Those who commit crimes and rob stores do not view themselves as
bad people. Gangsters such as Al Capone regarded themselves as unappreciated and
unrecognized public benefactors, not as enemies of the state. People do not
condemn themselves, so why should one condemn others? Lesson one explains to the
reader that one should never criticize, complain, or condemn other people.
Principle two suggests that you give people your sincere and honest
appreciation. A person should not think of his accomplishments or successes, yet
compliment others on theirs. The most important thing one can give another is
his genuine appreciation. “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among
people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in
a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” —Charles Schwab You can
threaten people by force or harsh words, but the only way to get others to do
what you wish is to give them what they want. What do they want? Appreciation.
Principle three in the fundamental techniques of handling people deals with how
to arouse in the other person an eager want. It is easy to tell people your
needs, but no one wants to hear them. People are only interested in their wants
and needs. So, why not try to get what you want by inferring how it would
benefit the other persons involved? A good example of this is fishing. When one
goes fishing, he does not think about what he wants. He thinks about what the
fish wants. One does not bait the hook with Twinkies and candy, he baits it with
worms and asks, “Wouldn’t you like to have that?” Again, look at the
situation from the other’s perspective. Part two of the book discusses ways to
get people to like you. The first guideline is to become genuinely interested in
people. People will like you if they feel you admire them. One must instill in
them a sense of fondness. “Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only
animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow
has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving
you nothing but love.” —Dale Carnegie This is the reason the dog is man’s
best friend. Dogs do not criticize or complain and always greet you with
animation and enthusiasm. Another point is that people are not interested in
you. Do not speak of your accomplishments and your success. They are only
interested in themselves. Get them to talk about themselves and their
achievements. Compliment them on their accomplishments and show them how you
feel by your genuine interest. “You can make more friends in two months by
becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get
other people interested in you.” —Dale Carnegie Ideal number two deals with
the power of a smile. Actions speak louder than words and a smile says, “I
like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” One of the most important
elements in getting people to like you is recognition of their uniqueness. One
can do this using a person’s name. A person’s name is to that person the
sweetest and most important sound in any language. Remember a person’s name,
and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. The name sets the
individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. Principle four
requires one to have the ability to listen. Listening well to others indicates
your interest. Remember that the people you talk to care only about themselves
one-hundred percent of the time. Your problems are irrelevant to them. Listen
carefully and one will be embraced and well liked. “A person’s toothache
means more to that person than a famine in China that kills a million people.”
—Dale Carnegie Rule number five emphasizes that you should to talk in terms of
the other persons interests. If you know that the man you are speaking to loves
ice cream, spill your guts on your opinion of every flavor. Offer searing
insights into the world of ice-cream making and get the individual talking.
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” —Disraeli
Principle six coincides with the philosophy of appreciation. Bestow upon the
other individual a sense of importance. Indirectly tell him his position is of
greater importance than yours by showing admiration. Make the other person feel
important, and do it sincerely. Section three deals on how to win people to your
way of thinking. Principle one states that the only way to get the best out of
an argument is to avoid it. Listen to what the other person is saying, try to
accept their point of view, and suggest objective, unbiased propositions on how
to resolve the conflict. Principle two: Show respect for the other person’s
opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” Directly telling people that they are
wrong (and you are right) will make them want to strike back and argue fervently
because you have insulted their intelligence. No matter how much you argue, you
will not change their opinion, for you have hurt their feelings. People do not
think they are right, they know they are right, or else, they would not argue.
You must approach the situation with your opinion. Tell them, “Well, now,
look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am
wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” This opens the
other individual’s mind and encourages them to admit that they, too, are
sometimes wrong, and they will want to explore the idea openly. “You cannot
teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
—Galileo Ideal number three states that if you are wrong, admit it quickly and
emphatically. “By fighting you never get enough, buy by yielding you get more
than you expected.” If you are incorrect, say so. Point out your flaws in
judgement and ridicule yourself harshly and relentlessly in front of the other
person. They will respond with warm regret and encouragement. They will tell you
that your ideas were good and not to be so hard on yourself. Admitting you are
wrong changes a harsh lecture into a speech of praise. Principle four aims at
showing that one should begin arguments in a friendly way. If you come off as
hostile, will not the opposition share your belligerence? As Lincoln said: “A
drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”. Point five
exemplifies the importance of initiating a positive attitude in the other’s
mind. Get the individual to say “yes” immediately. Ask questions that lead
to your point and will result in a positive “yes” response. If a person says
“no”, all of his pride requires him to remain consistent. He may later feel
that “no” was the wrong response, but he has his pride to consider. When a
person says “yes”, his body remains open to ideas. There is physiological
evidence that a person’s body responds to a negative answer. He is not just
speaking two letters, his body, muscles, glands, and attitude retreat into a
state of rejection that is hard to overcome by persuasion. Always go with the
Socratic method and ask gentle, positive questions. Rule five explains that one
should listen to the other’s complaints and ideas. Ask few questions and do
not interrupt. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. Sometimes one may
find the issue resolves itself without the active participation of both parties.
Guideline seven deals with how to get cooperation. If you want to get a
situation resolved, it is better to make suggestions and let to other person
come to a conclusion. Make the other person feel the idea was his or hers. As
Carnegie says, “No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or
being told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own
accord or acting on our own ideas.” Principle eight just re-emphasizes that
one should try sympathetically and honestly to see things from the other
person’s point of view. Principle nine coincides with eight plus the
suggestion of being sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. The
magic phrase, according to Mr. Carnegie, that stops arguments, eliminates ill
feeling, creates good will, and makes the other person listen attentively is:
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would
undoubtedly feel just as you do.” Principle ten of how to win people to your
way of thinking suggests that you appeal to nobler motives. Everyone has two
reasons for doing things: the one that sounds good, and the real one. So, when
explaining an idea to someone, appeal to a nobler purpose that will motivate him
or her to cooperate with your concept. Ideal ten illustrates that you should
make your ideas dramatic. Much like the television depicts certain detergents
cleaning better compared to others or people having fun playing with a certain
toy, one should convey the facts more vividly, more impressively, more
interestingly, and more dramatically. The last resort to get people to your way
of thinking is to present a challenge. As Charles Schwab says: “The way to get
things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money
getting way, but in the desire to excel.” Every person loves a chance to prove
himself, to show his worth, and to win. Doing this instills a feeling of
importance. The fourth and final section demonstrates how to be a leader and
change people without giving offense or resentment. Segment one states that if
you must find fault, begin your criticism with praise and honest appreciation.
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain.
The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.” —Dale
Carnegie Principle two explains how to criticize, and not be hated for it. This
step is accomplished by calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly. Say,
“This is a very good idea, but don’t you think it would perhaps be better if
we did it like this?” Drop subtle hints that will allow the other person to
recognize their fault and they will want to correct it themselves. One must
never yell and condemn. Principle three says that one should criticize himself
and state that he, too, makes many mistakes. He can then state the other’s
faults without resentment. Ideal four states the simple fact that it is easier
to get cooperation by asking questions instead of giving direct orders. Instead
of saying “Do this!” or “Do that!”, say “You might want to consider
this…” or “Do you think this would work?” This method gets a more
positive response. Principle five tells how you should avoid embarrassing others
and subjecting them to ridicule. Allow them to understand what they have done
wrong and correct it for themselves. Do not destroy them, even if you easily
could. Let the other person save face. Point number six tells that you should:
“Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty
in your approbation and lavish in your praise’.” Just as animal trainers
give rewards for good behavior, humans should cheer each other on and incite
everyone to blossom under encouragement. Principle seven on how to be a good
leader explains that you should give each person a reputation to live up to.
Most will not let you down. “Give a person a fine reputation to live up to,
and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.”
Principle eight states that if you want to help others improve, you should:
“Use encouragement and make the fault seem easy to correct”. The final
section states that you should make the other person happy to fulfill the ideals
you suggest. This can be accomplished through the Fundamental Techniques of
Handling People.